Brevity is the Soul of Getting Things Done
by ecarden
Summary: Warhammer 40K Short-In which the Imperial Guard deals with the worst enemy of the Imperial Guard, paperwork. Oh, and some Eldar too.


**Welcome to the Inquisitorial Archives, Interrogator. Ultraviolet Access is granted. Please enter your query or command.**

 **-** Access Administratum Files

 **-** Access Departmento Munitorum Files

 **-** Search: Vachnis Campaign

 **Files Found:**

 **Vachnis Campaign-Eldar-38777;**

 **Vachnis Campaign-Heretics-39233;**

 **Vachnis Campaign-Orcs-39844;**

 **Vachnis Campaign-Orcs-39998;**

 **Vachnis Campaign-Eldar-41983;**

 **…Show More? 3 additional folders.**

 **-** Open: Vachnis Campaign-Eldar-41983

 **AARs;**

 **Artifacts Recovered;**

 **Base Reconstruction/Expansion;**

 **Casualty Reports;**

 **Disciplinary Reports;**

 **…Show More? 39 additional folders.**

\- Open: AARs

 **256,394 Files Located.**

\- Search: 303019003

 **AAR-492731-LT-303019003A;**

 **AAR-492731-LT-303019003B;**

 **AAR-492731-LT-303019003C;**

 **AAR-492731-LT-303019003D;**

 **AAR-492731-LT-303019003E;**

 **…Show More? 36 additional folders.**

\- Open: AAR-492731-LT-303019003A

 **1) Play audio?**

 **2) Show transcript?**

 **-** Open: 2

 **Processing…**

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Lieutenant Marcus Aurelius, Commanding 3rd Platoon, 19th Company, 303rd Draftee Elarian Regiment. After Action Report of the engagement with Eldar forces in Hive 793 Central Park. Year 41983, Day 117.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** We won.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** End file.

 **Insufficient file length. All After Action Reports must exceed thirteen hubytes in size.**

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Seriously? Lord General Von Paperwork put a minimum size on AARs? Why? Just…why?

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Perhaps to ensure that they contain some actual content?

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** It's not like anyone ever reads them.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Maybe not, but orders are orders.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Thank you for that dizzying insight, sergeant. What's the punishment for not filing your AARs on time?

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Being fed to the Lord General's new pet.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Oh. Right.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Speaking of which, Corporal Cinna wants to know why the Lord General gets to keep his pet, but you made him get rid of his.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Because it was a horrible, Xeno, killing machine.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Yes, but he's complaining that the Lord General got to keep his horrible, Xeno, killing machine.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Well, unfortunately, I'm not in charge of the Lord General. And I don't want to be eaten. So….we'd been sent to investigate a disturbance in the Central Park of Hive 793. It's on the highest level of the hive and only accessible to the rich and powerful, so a few scared joggers meant that a platoon of the Imperial Guard got deployed.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** We deployed with the skill you'd expect from a group of hive boys from Elara sent to explore some woods. Emperor's Teeth, I'd never even seen a green plant before I left Elara...

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Anyway, there actually were Eldar there, which surprised, well, everyone. But especially the poor SOBs on point. Fortunately, I followed Elarian standard protocol and assigned the replaceable assholes to the point position.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** I remember when I was a _replaceable_ asshole. Ah, the good old days.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** One of the other, irreplaceable assholes, the platoon's sanctioned psyker started screaming about Eldar. Seeing as how I had six men down with neat holes in their throats from sniper fire from a couple of Rangers, this was not exactly news. But that wasn't what he was talking about. One of those screaming witches was rushing my command squad. Surprisingly quiet until she was spotted…

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Nah, you just weren't paying attention.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Then why didn't you notice?

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Who says I didn't? The day you finally kick it, I take over.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Bite me, sergeant.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Not where the commissar might hear about it.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** _Anyway_ , the psyker managed to knock her back when she tried to jump us. I then followed Standard Elarian Tactic 1 when faced with an enemy of unknown number, superior weaponry and scary psyker ladies.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** That is to say he screamed 'run away' and, quite literally led us out of the park at a sprint.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Where the Hellhounds I'd commed for were waiting. I think the Eldar expected us to try to go back in there after them, instead of burning the whole park down to ash.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** When in doubt, hide behind a tank.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Ah, the motto of the 303rd. Brings a tear to my eye.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** The locals weren't too pleased.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Meh, that's what senior officers are for. Anyway, we went through the park and found half a dozen bodies. Three of them were even Eldar. We took them back to our firebase.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** I still think those would have made dandy trophies. I don't see why you dumped them-

 **Sound exceeds 200 decibels. Processing…**

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** EMPEROR'S SAGGING-

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Relax, sergeant. Get a team and clean up the bits of the Eldar who just tried to retrieve the bodies of their fallen and thus triggered the giant pile of explosives I put them on, then double the guard in case they don't get the hint that they should leave us alone.

 **Voiceprint ID: Johannes Lanius:** Yes, sir.

 **Voiceprint ID: Marcus Aurelius:** Now can I end the file? Or do I need to blither on a bit more ab-

 **Command Accepted.**

 **Transcript ends.**


End file.
